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***** Sylvia by Nicole Hollander


As we speak, I am sitting on hold with the good people of Adobe Photoshop Elements 5.0, or rather with their on-hold musical selections, which today consist of an easy listening jazz trumpet and canned percussion accompaniment, which is really just jazz without the, you know, jazz. It is relatively inoffensive, however, which is a very good thing, as I have been on hold now for 19 minutes. It is quite an improvement, in fact, over yesterday's 29 minute-long veritable concert, not counting brief intermissions wherein I spoke to a technician before being sent back to said concert, which appeared to be some sort of Austrian marching band recital....

And I can't believe it I just got fucking cut off!

Pardon me while I redial. Ah, there's my music. ~~Tall and tan and young and lovely, dit doo di dodo dit dada nana...

Where were we? Oh yes. Adobe Photoshop ~ the company, the customer service, the cliche'. To paraphrase Kanye, Adobe Systems does not care about people.

Now, I am a patient woman, truly I am. I understand that things go wrong and when they do it takes time to fix them. I will sit glued to this chair, staring into this computer screen for hours, days even, working on projects that interest me. And even some that kinda don't but I need to finish them anyway, just because I'm obsessive that way. The point is, I'm patient. I'm cool. I'm Zen.

I'm pissed.

Let the record show that I started writing this post at 2:00pm, after I'd already been on hold for 19 minutes, and before I was cut off. It is 2:29. There is simply no excuse for this level of customer contempt. ....

Phone answered! Issues discussed. John the Technician Guy is flummoxed. After a rocky start (my fault entirely) we are bonding, and I can tell he is impressed by the complexity and seriousness of my problem. He has gone off to research. I am on hold. It is 2:42pm. I think I will upload a picture.

~~ Do di doo dit doo di doo....

3:25pm. John has done all that he can do. The problem, he has concluded and I am forced to concur, is with my operating system; the OS that Shall Not Be Named. I will suffer no gloating on the subject from those not similarly afflicted. Tomorrow, I look forward to hearing the musical styling preferences of the good people at HP, Windows and possibly Fry's electronics.

Now, I am finally off to the gym, where I will no doubt want to take issue with the Cell Phone People. Blood may be shed. Namaste.

~~ Do dit doo dit doo shah nah na ...